How to be an Action Hero

The Job Market

Action hero jobs are impossible to find, don’t bother updating your C.V. or sending out applications, the work will always find you. As an aspiring action hero it is very important that you maintain a general drunken stupor when between jobs. Being in the middle of a messy divorce, sleeping in your car or being on suspension from your police precinct are all extremely good for business. If you can manage all three of these at once you are guaranteed to find work. Another surefire tactic is to declare yourself retired and move to a remote cabin on top of a mountain. Being impossible to find is far more effective than joining LinkedIn, military types will soon be landing helicopters all over your lawn. If you are worried about turning up for work after a heavy night’s drinking do not worry because being hungover for your first day on the job is not frowned upon at all. In fact it will work to your advantage as people will make the false assumption that you must be the best at what you do for the boss to recruit you in such a state.

Accepting an Assignment

Whenever you are approached by a prospective employer you must be engaged in some form of physical activity. Whether this be chopping wood with a rusty axe outside your remote cabin in the woods or pummelling some hapless fool’s head in with a bar stool at your local truckstop, all that matters is that you pointlessly showcase your impressive physical strength and sociopathic violent streak. You will always be entreated to take a job: for the good of your country; to save hundreds of innocent people; or because the President himself requested you. You will always turn down such an offer immediately, professing your disdain for your country/innocent people/the President in extremely derogatory terms. This response will always be met by an insistence that you are the only man for the job, in all likelihood a team of crack military commandos previously attempted the same mission and has not been heard of since. Upon hearing that no one else is up to the task you will immediately agree to take the job, but remember to make one last reluctant remark or threaten your new employer with death if they dare to double cross you. This closing remark/threat is very important or else people will realise you only accepted the job because your new employer massaged your enormous, macho ego.

Assembling your Team

Every action hero’s team must consist of a computer geek, a comedian, a moody/mysterious type and a muscular retard. This has proven throughout history to be a formula for certain success. If a smaller team is required it is acceptable to combine some traits; for example you may have a muscular computer geek or a mysterious comedian. However, it is not generally a good idea to recruit a moody retard. It is essential that at least one prospective team member hates one other prospective team member and refuses to join the team because of it. This will seem like an insurmountable problem at first but these two will soon bond during a homo-erotic arm-wrestling match or as one of them reluctantly saves the other’s life during a gunfight. Also, remember to only recruit people to your team who are dead against joining you; anyone who seems happy to participate will inevitably betray you and join the opposition at a crucial point in the mission.

Going Solo

Occasionally your mission brief will specify that the mission must be carried out by you alone. This in fact means that you will begin the mission by yourself but will soon be joined by a useless female who requires saving constantly. The woman will most likely be extremely attractive but completely inept at everything from running to firing bazookas to waiting in the car. Her only area of excellence will be getting kidnapped by your arch-enemy. Do not fret because on these solo missions you will also be joined by a grinning sidekick who likes to make jokes. In terms of humour this man will probably be a great believer in quantity over quality. Although this comedy relief will at first appear profoundly irritating he will soon prove himself to be an invaluable teammate, thus offsetting the annoyance of having an incompetent woman tagging along. Often he will be killed by your enemy late in the mission, further proving his usefulness by providing you with an even stronger motive to kick some ass. Once the mission is completed you will discover that your comedian friend is not actually dead but has in fact merely sustained a minor injury which may require the use of crutches or a sling for a few days.

Fighting Henchmen

You will undoubtedly have to kill an unbelievable number of evil henchmen during your mission. Although their numbers may at times seem completely overwhelming, do not fret because they are generally of extremely poor quality. Almost all evil henchmen can be rendered unconscious with a single punch or kick. If henchmen display any kind of martial arts ability they will get the upper hand for the first thirty seconds of the fight and must be killed using a gun found on the floor. If no guns are lying around in the vicinity you may impale them on an inexplicably sharp piece of furniture or throw them through a window. If you are confronted with more than two henchmen at any one time they will form an orderly queue and attack in single file without any prompting from you. When fighting henchmen you must have a ready supply of cheesy one-liners. This is required of all action heroes and you will probably find it in the small-print of your employment contract. Delivery of one-liners is non-negotiable. However, when facing large groups of henchmen it is not necessary to make a witty comment after defeating each one, you may address several unconscious/dead henchmen at once. One-liners which are relevant to the situation are preferable but if you are unable to be specific something generic will suffice.

Getting the Girl

As mentioned above under the section ‘Going Solo’ you will often come across a helpless woman during your mission. Very occasionally you may instead meet a woman whose assistance you require, for example she may be a contact supplying you with weapons or a fake passport. If the woman is a contact she will always have an ambiguous name which will inevitably lead you to assume she is a man. When you finally meet her, this false assumption will lead you to make an unforgivable blunder, for example addressing her as your contact’s secretary or lover. Although it may seem your relationship has been soured forever, she will soon be won over by your condescending, macho, chauvinist attitude and large biceps. If your attitude and biceps fail to win her heart you may bond with her by engaging in murder or some other criminal activity together. If this also fails try treating her with utter disdain until she throws herself at you.

Fighting the Boss/your Arch-enemy/the Evil Overlord

When facing the climactic battle of a mission there are several things an action hero (such as you) must remember. First of all, do not become discouraged when things are not going your way. Your opponent will always get the upper hand very quickly in every final fight. Remember there is a lot at stake here and this guy is a professional, he didn’t attain these dizzy heights by giving up easily. He will probably have some dirty tricks up his sleeve, for example, he may have kidnapped your love interest/ex-wife/child. It is also possible that he may have hatched a fiendish plot to turn your sidekick or love interest against you. Any diabolical schemes your enemy has orchestrated may confound you at first but will eventually turn out to be his downfall. Your love interest/ex-wife/child will stamp on his toe or stab him in the leg, enabling you to fire your last round into the centre of his forehead. Your sidekick will pretend to be on your enemy’s side just long enough to gain you the advantage or find out where the bombs are hidden. Before you face an evil boss it is very important that you send some kind of distress call or request backup. This will never be of any real use as the cavalry will insist on turning up after the battle is won, however it is vital you make the call anyway (see Celebrating Victory below). When delivering that final, killing blow to your arch-enemy always make sure it is as dramatic as possible. It is preferable to kill him by shooting some nearby gas tanks or causing a cave-in or landslide that will crush him. Throwing your enemy from the roof of a tall building is also acceptable, as is decapitating/impaling him with any nearby industrial/farming machinery. The best form of death for arch-enemies is to blow them up with their own bomb which you have planted on them at an earlier time or tricked them into picking up. This not only ensures an extravagant death but makes them look foolish at the same time.

Celebrating Victory

It is customary to have a brief and characteristically macho celebration after cheating certain death and vanquishing your enemies. An action hero’s celebration usually consists of lighting up a cigar, forcefully kissing any woman in the vicinity or punching the chief of police or a troublesome reporter in the face. By way of celebration you can also drive towards the sunset in a convertible. Driving into the sunset only works on perfectly straight roads which stretch to the horizon. Do not worry if you have never owned a convertible, there will be one parked conveniently nearby on such occasions, a motorbike will also suffice. Following on from the previous section, the distress call you placed earlier will bring a horde of reinforcements over the hill just in time to see you lighting up that celebratory cigar. The late arrival of your backup will give you the opportunity for one last, triumphant one-liner which is the icing on the cake of all action hero celebrations.

A few last words of advice

Do not be concerned that you come across as being too violent/chauvinistic/racist/sexist/brash/uncompromising/antisocial/detached at any point of your mission. Action heroes are free to be absolutely abominable human beings. You can be as undesirable as you like and people will still worship you as a hero as long as you have one “redeeming” quality. Professing to still be in love with your ex-wife is one such quality, even if you treat her like dirt constantly. Loving your kids or a dog will also do. Occasionally contemplating suicide because you are troubled by the vast number of bodies left in your wake is also an effective way of keeping public opinion on your side. If none of the above seem attainable it will also suffice to simply express a deep hatred of your boss/job/neighbour if they are slightly irritating. This shows a human side which will help people to empathise with you and excuse all the despicable acts you perform in pursuit of victory.

You may decide to wear a Kevlar vest or tie a large piece of metal to your chest at some point in your mission when faced with impossible odds. This is sensible and will most likely save your life. You will inevitably be shot in the chest and presumed dead by your comrades. You can then remove the vest or metal plate and show them how smart you are for thinking ahead. However, after this big reveal you should feel free to discard the life-saving item because it will definitely not be needed again. After being shot in the chest this one time, you will only ever receive minor flesh wounds to your legs and arms for the remainder of a mission. Continuing to wear Kevlar or any other protective equipment is therefore pointless and will only slow you down.

Finally, always keep an object in your breast pocket. It is widely accepted scientific fact that any object kept in the breast pocket of any jacket or shirt will stop any bullet from any gun fired by anyone. Despite widespread knowledge of this fact it is estimated that at least ninety percent of bullets fired by evil henchmen and bosses are aimed at this exact spot. Objects typically used for such purposes are diaries, pocket bibles and hip flasks. Anything from a three-inch-thick steel plate to a half-eaten Snickers bar will also do the trick if placed in the correct pocket.

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