Five Things to do with your Life now Breaking Bad is Finished
I know it’s hard, I feel your pain. By now, for those of us who’ve been watching Breaking Bad since the beginning, Walter White has become a close friend. The kind of close friend you feel really uneasy around. The kind of close friend who’d sell you out to a bunch of neo-nazi psychos just to make an extra few bucks and keep his wife ignorant of your existence. The kind of close friend who’d fuck you over in the worst way possible just to fan the flames of his own already gargantuan ego. Yes, you will miss Walter White.
And Jesse, little Jesse Pinkman, who had a dream. Naïve Jesse, who just wanted to make something of himself, who wanted to show his parents that despite all their misgivings about his drug-addled shortcomings, he’s really a son they can be proud of. Despite his meth-amphetamine empire, his substance abuse and the trail of bodies in his wake, Jesse is really just misunderstood. He’s a good guy. Yeah, he made a few bad choices, but he always does the right thing in the end. After several more people have died. Yes, you will miss Jesse Pinkman.
And Skyler, the moral centre of Breaking Bad’s murky universe. Skyler, who would never condone the manufacture or selling of narcotics. Skyler, who would rather die than hurt another human being. Skyler who wants to run to the cops as soon as she hears of any kind of criminal activity. Until she sees the dollar signs. Or her boss Ted Beneke throws her a bone for cooking his books. And then it’s all justifiable. As long as it’s just this last time. I agree, no one will miss Skyler. This bitch flip-flops more than an Australian barbecue convention. “I hate you Walt, get away from my kids… but I also love you and I want you back… so I can watch you die of cancer you bastard… after you buy me some more stuff… you sick fuck Walt… give some money to Hank and Marie too though… but how dare you buy Walter Junior the car he really wants, you bastard!” Yeah, Skyler’s actually really irritating. But damn this show is good.
Anyway, I’m sure you, like me, feel the presence of a huge, gaping hole in your very soul ever since the credits rolled on the final episode of Season Five of this masterpiece of televisual entertainment. A hole so deep and painful it can only be rivaled by the previous hole left there when you finished the final season of The Wire. But it’s okay, because this time I’m here to help. And I’ve come up with five ingenious ways to fill your hole.
Here are my five things to do with your life now that Breaking Bad is finished:
1. Talk about Breaking Bad all the time to anyone who’ll listen.
I realise you’re probably doing this already and so it doesn’t seem that helpful, but hear me out. How many people annoyed the piss out of you when The Wire ended by telling you how good it was? How many people bored you to death by constantly telling you to watch it? Remember that dickhole at work who would ask you every morning “Which season are you on now? Did *show-killing spoiler* happen yet?” Douchebag. Well, now’s your chance to get your own back. Take sickening glee in constantly telling everyone you know how good Breaking Bad is. If they’re not watching it, tell them they should be watching it. If they’re already watching it, tell them they should be watching it faster. Tell everyone. All the time. This will help you in two ways: one, you’ll ruin the whole experience for everyone else and will no longer feel jealous of all the great moments they have to look forward to; and two, hopefully you’ll eventually bore yourself so much you’ll no longer even be able to think about how much you miss Walter White. Oh, and that dickhole at work will start avoiding you, saving you all the work you previously had to do to avoid him.
2. Build your own Meth Lab.
I’d just like to say by way of a little disclaimer that I’m not telling you to do this, I’m just shooting the breeze here. I am not about to give out details of how to build a meth lab to complete strangers on the internet. Because I know nothing about chemistry. And also, it would be immoral. Mostly the chemistry thing though. Having said that, if you were to go and do your own research and build your own lab I’m sure it would get you over your Breaking Bad obsession. It’s good to have a project. I mean, take Walt for example, once he got to cooking, he barely even seemed to worry about his terminal lung cancer at all. And think of all the interesting people you’d meet. After all, it would be a shame to just keep all that meth for yourself (and it would probably kill you). You’ll need a whole bunch of good-for-nothing college dropouts to sling the glass for you, and a gang of psychotic enforcers in case anyone gives you any shit. Or you could get in bed with a Mexican drug cartel and let them sell it for you, provided you don’t mind them brutally murdering everyone you’ve ever loved when things go wrong. So get out there, network. Nothing gets you over the loss of an old friend like making some new ones.
3. Watch Breaking Bad again.
You’re possibly already doing this as well. If you’re not, I’d just like to say you should be. And if you are, I’d like to point out that you should be watching it faster. Does Breaking Bad merit a second viewing? Hell yeah it does! I for one started watching it for the second time with my girlfriend before I’d even got to the end of the first viewing. Of course, I’m now missing the end of my tongue because I had to chew through it to stop myself blurting out any spoilers and receiving a swift punch in the nuts. Remember meeting Jesse for the first time as he climbs out the window of that housewife’s bedroom? Remember Walt picking the pieces of that plate out of the bin and putting them together like a jigsaw puzzle? Remember the first time you wondered what the hell is wrong with Walter Junior’s legs? Remember Skyler bitching and moaning about everything, all the time? Remember Marie doing a Winona Ryder? Remember when Walter Junior decided to change his name to Flynn and you wondered how that was any better? Remember Hank’s rock – oh sorry – Hank’s mineral collection? Remember the first time you ever heard the immortal words; ‘Better Call Saul’? Remember the very last second of the final episode, as the credits rolled, when you thought to yourself; “Hey wait a second, they never explained what the shit is wrong with Walter Junior’s legs!” If your answer to any of the above questions was “No” then you need to watch Breaking Bad again. You owe it to yourself.
4. Watch something else.
There are other shows. Right? There are. There’s tons of stuff on TV. Look at all the channels. There are hundreds of them. There must be something else worth watching. Just pull out your copy of the TV Guide and pick something. I mean, look at this; you could watch Sons of Anarchy. It has Ron Perlman. Ron Perlman’s good, isn’t he? He’s been in stuff. Or there’s Homeland, it has that ginger guy. People say good stuff about Homeland don’t they? There’s tons of other stuff to watch, and some of it’s actually pretty decent. It might not have Walter White, or Jesse Pinkman, or crystal meth, but I’ve heard The Walking Dead isn’t terrible. And it has zombies. You like zombies, right? Oh fuck it, what am I saying? Breaking Bad is gone forever and nothing can take its place. We might as well all just chuck our television sets onto a massive pile in the street and burn them… I’m just kidding. Seriously, don’t do that. There are other shows out there. Watch Boardwalk Empire, or Game of Thrones. Or, at the risk of sounding like that dickhole from your job, “You should watch The Wire man, best TV show ever made. Ever!”
5. Write to Vince Gilligan and implore him, for the sake of your sanity, to please write something else!
I’m sure Vince Gilligan knows that people liked Breaking Bad. It’s probably not a fact he could have easily overlooked. He’s probably pretty proud of himself. He created what many people consider to be the second-greatest TV show of all time (after Two and a Half Men – joking – after The Wire idiot). Yeah, I bet Mr. Gilligan is pretty damn pleased with himself. I know if I’d written something even half as good as this show, I’d probably cream myself every time I walked past a mirror. It would definitely go to my head, I’d have an ego to rival Walter White’s. I’d be giving speeches like;
“Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make in a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into work? A business big enough that it could be listed on the Nasdaq goes belly-up, disappears. It ceases to exist without me. No, you clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in; I am not in danger Skyler, I am the danger. A guy knocks on this door and gets shot and you think that of me? No, I am the one who knocks!”
But, perhaps luckily, Vince Gilligan is not me, and I am not Vince Gilligan. No, because I checked on Vince Gilligan’s IMDB page, and he hasn’t just been making overly-long egotistical speeches while wanking in front of the mirror, he’s been busy writing a prequel to Breaking Bad. Yes, you heard me right, a prequel. According to the internet, there will be a new series in 2014 entitled Better Call Saul which will delve into the dodgy dealings of Walt and Jesse’s beleaguered attorney before our favourite meth chefs made his life so damn difficult. So that letter I told you to write to Vince Gilligan? That’s more for your own benefit really, just pour your soul onto the page, let it all out. And then sit back and wait for Gilligan’s next creation to come and steal your life away.
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